before i start today's post with a cheery merry christmas to one and to all, (when ive just did), i think i should start off saying im so exhausted today, i doubt i can keep awake past midnight.

i think i should just stay as the little kid that sleeps before midnight thinking she will not get her present if she doesnt do so. and wake up the next morning tearing the house down.

this christmas is so empty. and i dont feel anything at all. merely because i had celebrated christmas the day before instead of today, and ive spend my christmas eve eating takeaways in front of the tv. the family is around, but doing their own stuff. and not even caring about the spirit of christmas.

hence, i complained to my mom that our christmas lacks everything. honestly, everything.

and what did she tell me, go to the nearby church to join in their celebration. is her thinking as shallow as that. i bet she dont even understand. to her christmas is about feasts, fanciful dinners, wild parties, christmas trees and decor, presents.

feasts + fanciful dinner = she needs to cook = lots of work + hassle
wild parties + teenagers = lots of noise = headaches
christmas trees and decor + presents = high capital input = waste money

now daddy's out of the house, mummy's watching tv, sis's doing some odd stuff, brother is doing odd stuff too, and sneezing.
and here i am. being totally grouchy on the day im looking forward to for many many days.

i dont understand. i dont need presents, i just want abit of warmth.

like how today when i was on the way back today, how wonderful the feeling was. seeing people carrying bags and boxes of christmas gifts, food and even some very last minute people carrying christmas trees.
the bus was packed, and noisy with all the loud chatter. i overheard people talking about the parties they are going to, talking about pretty dresses, good food, seeing kids smiling like enthusiastic nutties and middle-aged people helping their aged parents onto bus seats, teenagers on their way to countdown parties in the prettiest hairdos and fanciful outfits.

admist all the pushing, the shoe stepping, people were all smiles. well, at least some of them.

when i was accidentally pushed onto some odd woman that was sulking, like wad am i doing now. i apologised to her. her face didnt change, and she glared at me. but when i said in my try-to-be-cheery voice but turned out really awkward and meek, 'and merry christmas', she was lost for words, and i see her murmering, like she didnt know what to say to me. but she was smiling.
see. the wonder of christmas.

i was watching some christmas movie just now. and the santa in the story said:
'the purpose of snow during christmas is its captivating beauty that makes people that are walking to fast in their lives to slow down their footsteps, and realise the beauty of this world, and see how their loved ones fit in so perfectly.'

its okay that there's no snow.
but im too old to believe in santa, but too young to party and join in the fun.
maybe for once ive lost.

and maybe that's why ive decide to sleep before midnight today.