my mom gave me a rundown this morning, about how im extremely hard to get along with, and my attitude sucks, big time.

and i went out to take a breather,
not because i was mad with her, but because i was mad with myself,
because every shit she said was true.

i was seeking solitude in a little corner of mccafe, where im surrounded by cakes too pretty to eat and coffee extremely tempting to have.

mccafe's atmosphere is just like that, predictable, relaxing and family-oriented.

I was surrounded by strangers who do not know about the abuse i was hurled at this morning, as i held their doors, exchanged polite greetings and smiled when our eyes met.
They may have thought i was in a good mood, when im crashed inside.
I felt like i am a screwed up piece of shit, and someone at home thought so too.

When i see little children eating with their parents, burgers in hand as they sipped their iced milos with cheeky little smiles. Their parents looking on, fiddling with their happy meal toy. I could see from their faces that they dont like mcdonalds, but they love their children.
It makes me want to go back to the time when i never ever doubt that my parents love me.

my latte was extremely sweet,
i bet the woman at the cashier knew i needed that boost.

mcdonald's, makes you happy.
wasnt that the old slogan?
i liked that more, because it made more sense.

When i grow up and have kids of my own, I promise to bring them to playgrounds, parks and zoos, and to Mcdonalds on sunday mornings, and instead of ordering a set of happy meal, i would get two.
I would play them music, and tell them i love them, every single day, even if ive scolded them less than an hour ago, or made them cry the previous night. No matter how mad he/she made me, or how mad i made him/her, i would say i love you, because that's what parents should do.

When im wrong i would apologise, and when they are wrong, i would make them, and i would forgive them for everything they do.
I would show them that its okay to be wrong, that its normal to be flawed, that i would love them for who they are, and not who i want them to become.

but what my mother said this morning, made me feel like i'll never ever have kids of my own.
it's like that.