i drew robots to hold conversations with, and had music plugged into my ears.
i listen to voices of people ive never met before, and pretended so hard they were singing to me. i wrote in a book i wished was alive, and sat close beside strangers ,whom i pretended, that care about me.

i dreamt of places ive never been, places that never existed.
but i kept being thrown back to the pain of reality, which wasnt so bad as well.
the same people, the same looks, the same things we're all doing, everyday.

i kicked the walls and did a werewolf howl, which enci taught me a week ago.
my mom came into the room with the receiver pressed against her ear, and laughed to the receiving end that she had a wolf at home.

seeing that she didnt mind, i howled again.
louder, and louder, till all the frustrations were gone.

now, i wonder who was the person on the other end of the phone.

i rubbed my wrists against each other, my eyes itched.
i blinked, and rubbed my eyes, and blinked again.
a tear, boredom? irritation? definitely not anything else.
but i wasnt bored, i had things to do.

my eyes are dying, they might not be able to see the beauty of the world soon.
im only bloody 17, and my heart's getting tired, its always craving for more, and more tired songs, and tired conversations.

all because today was one of the days
i try too hard to get rid of the world's worst emotion:
emptiness.

and then i wonder, if you feel it too.
if so, what will you do?

i want a good life.
i dont want it to be empty like this, i dont want to feel uncertain
i dont want to be afraid. at least, not afraid alone

i feel like going to The United Square Starbucks, to fall asleep on the couch next to the spinning lights and the waterfall.
but this time, not on my own.