the writing muse is back and i think my blog will open soon.
its quite silly to talk to myself like this.

school will reopen in three days, im prepared to face things but ironically, not to face other, unspoken and irrational fears, of well, school.
i like school for its laughter and occasional irrelevance, how it occupies my life and keep me busy most of the time. allowing my life to interweave with other people confused like me, sometimes more or less, about their identity, their beliefs, their needs.
struggling, sad adoloscents. sad, but strong.

sometimes when im with people, i think im weird. i usually feel weird, and irrelevant. awkward, unappreciated, unliked. but people who care enough, or who are nice enough, always say its only in my head. i feel lonely among people, i have that habit.

school keeps me busy, though sometimes too much.
but its better than letting me stay home too much, swinging my legs above the ground and feeling inadequate and unaccomplished.
i like to let my legs swing above the ground sometimes, it makes me feel like a child. which i know clearly im not anymore.

many times i worry that im too self-absorbed.
egoistic, selfish and at times too self-critical.
im not sure if it makes me a good person. no i don't think so.

my mom asked me with genuine concern whether drumming makes me happy, and whether i think i will be able to handle drums when school reopens. i quit it last week, and it have not been bothering much other than a few occasional times when i feel drumming will make me feel better about myself.

i think she worries for me too, to pick between my future and my happiness. at my age i don't put them together unlike some people.
and i am glad.