maybe when i wake up tomorrow i will be seven again, and realise that whatever had happened for the past ten years was just a really, long weary dream.

im really upset with the artees right now because they turned out really bad and im not sure if there will be too many criticisms tomorrow. i know there will be a certain pressure anyway, being an artee, for artpeople, artistically inclined artpeople. oh, goddamnit!

everyday is like a blur, especially during math when i really just wish to get out. teachers dont make it any better by giving me incredulous looks and somewhat subtly mocking expressions. i stare at the numbers and wonder what's really wrong with the relationship between me and numbers, and why my brains are no longer wired the way they were before. and then it came to me how some people just live their lives chasing and sticking to facts. they like things perfect, predictable and accurate. they leave no space for errors and no reasons for alternatives.

it pains me sometimes, and when i thought so, i was jolted up by a typical
'qixuan can you stop dreaming'

before i could really protest, i stopped myself because it would be futile anyway. i am so little and i think too much of these unecessary, harmful thoughts that grow and grow in me, they swirl up in my head like little puffy green clouds, and occasionally little rays of light shine through them and make my head hurt. people cant see them anyway, and they dont understand why i get upset.
i am so naive and so arrogant, i think i am going to change the world with these little worthless thoughts of mine. how is that possible? no he does not believe in me.

have you ever wished as a person, that something really nasty would happen to you, so at least you will wake up the next morning feeling genuinely happy to be alive?
i need that kind of optimism and determination to revamp my life, like seriously.