QIXUAN

new home

2009-05-10T20:51:00.001-07:00

bedroomantics.livejournal.com

2009-04-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

its frustrating that you call me back at little times, but seems to be missing on default. it feels like ure pretending to care. its not like you give a shit anymore.

2009-04-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

“ Remember, remember. This is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted'

Sylvia Plath

im moving!

2009-04-22T03:40:00.000-07:00

see you on lj :D

Dreams, Wishes, and Tears

2009-04-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

by Sir Shotgun

If dreams were given to a lonely man
and a lonely man's dreams came true,
I'd force myself to sleep all the time
just so I could dream of you

If wishes were given to a lonely man
and I was given just two,
I'd wish for you to always love me
and the other I'd give to you

If my tears could write a love song
I'd write a love song for you,
It would explain just how I feel inside
and how much I love you too

But, dreams are only dreams
and wishes seldom come true,
My tears can't write a love song,
but when they fall, they fall for you

i admit this isnt one of the best poems in the world, but it just appeals to me right now.

2009-04-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

why am i so full of tears today? think a cup of water filled to its brim. its something i cant comprehend even till now. i woke up crying, had my breakfast in tears before i picked myself up for school. even after i reached home i cried over cartoons, while doing homework, while typing this. sooner or later my mom will send me to a shrink. i laugh till i cry, i did all kinds of things to stop myself. im listening to the New Order right now, and im stil crying. New Order, is not, suppose to make you cry! im exasperated and frustrated with myself i should mask my eyes up with tape. ive told myself to shut myself off all thoughts that will upset me. what frustrates me is that i dont exactly know what im crying over. its like when ur back is itching and you dont know why, but it will just keep itching and slowly eat you up. i wonder if there's anything wrong with my eyeballs,

probably im going blind.

:( ohhell.

quote of the day

2009-04-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

“ Don’t use words too big for the subject.
Don’t say ‘infinitely’ when you mean ‘very’;
otherwise, you’ll have no word left when you
want to talk about something really infinite. ”

C.S. Lewis

how different can different get

2009-04-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

even if you dislike some of the songs in my mp3, not understand what i mean at times or cant comprehend why i spend so much on books and plays, i adore you and do it with all my heart. it is like ive stripped away all my ideals and expectations just to plunge myself into this much uncertainty and queer unfamiliar thoughts that ive avoided all my life. even if i dont say the right things and make your insides flutter anymore, how hard is that to get?

i realised today the closest people to me have hearts. these beautiful genuine hearts that like little flames, are weak but warm. see how they flicker at times, so gentle and comforting.

good afternoon assurance, the weather's really bad today

2009-04-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

tomorrow will end the school week and i can rest every single cell in my body by tomorrow night. it sounds really good. school is so bloody bad that i wish i could quit it and join a circus or something.

“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.''

2009-04-14T03:34:00.000-07:00

for these few days ive been trying my best to be happy. i had a conversation with antsy today in the canteen, with little bits of them lost in the midst of an irritatingly noisy canteen.

like seriously, we're eighteen. okay actually we're not eighteen, syahidah IS eighteen (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!), we're seventeen. but still, what difference does one year make? sometimes i wish im a little more optimistic, just a little will do.
im growing old too fast, old not up.

most times, you learn the best little things through cartoons

2009-04-10T04:35:00.000-07:00

spongebob:
what do you usually do when i'm gone?
patrick:
wait for you to come back.

i shall transform you from arts girl to math girl!

2009-04-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

this is terence, previously known as the cuttlefish, on my uncomprehendable, and at most times annoying writing/blogging 'style':

-Ter- the.most.united aBRAcadaBRA says:
i can never really understand your posts one
-Ter- the.most.united aBRAcadaBRA says:
its like doing comprehension
*

-Ter- the.most.united aBRAcadaBRA says:
i shall invade your blog one day
-Ter- the.most.united aBRAcadaBRA says:
and fill it with numbers
-Ter- the.most.united aBRAcadaBRA says:
and equations

nice way to get back eh,
as friends, its always important to know their weakest point.

does this feel like waiting to you?

2009-04-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

its my first happy A on my result slip.
and i should share the news with you first, but i texted my mom instead.

life works in a way when relations and situations arent working very well outside, you turn to the refuge of your family. which in my case, is very true. but how ironic it is because you were the one who helped me through this horrific ordeal of project work. my mom dont even know what 'pw' means. you've been the one who understood the difficulties i had with my teammates, how annoyed i am with myself every now and then, the reason why i left school for no reason one day, too frustrated for words that make sense. i can write a list of things you do, and count the times you have been there, and you will probably see why i love you, but maybe you will not understand it now. do you recall however late the replies, how absent you were for tormenting days and nights, i still know you try. but, what now?

i am too blinded by sights of love and happiness around me that my ideas have turned false.

ctrl alt dlt

2009-04-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

maybe when i wake up tomorrow i will be seven again, and realise that whatever had happened for the past ten years was just a really, long weary dream.

im really upset with the artees right now because they turned out really bad and im not sure if there will be too many criticisms tomorrow. i know there will be a certain pressure anyway, being an artee, for artpeople, artistically inclined artpeople. oh, goddamnit!

everyday is like a blur, especially during math when i really just wish to get out. teachers dont make it any better by giving me incredulous looks and somewhat subtly mocking expressions. i stare at the numbers and wonder what's really wrong with the relationship between me and numbers, and why my brains are no longer wired the way they were before. and then it came to me how some people just live their lives chasing and sticking to facts. they like things perfect, predictable and accurate. they leave no space for errors and no reasons for alternatives.

it pains me sometimes, and when i thought so, i was jolted up by a typical
'qixuan can you stop dreaming'

before i could really protest, i stopped myself because it would be futile anyway. i am so little and i think too much of these unecessary, harmful thoughts that grow and grow in me, they swirl up in my head like little puffy green clouds, and occasionally little rays of light shine through them and make my head hurt. people cant see them anyway, and they dont understand why i get upset.
i am so naive and so arrogant, i think i am going to change the world with these little worthless thoughts of mine. how is that possible? no he does not believe in me.

have you ever wished as a person, that something really nasty would happen to you, so at least you will wake up the next morning feeling genuinely happy to be alive?
i need that kind of optimism and determination to revamp my life, like seriously.

Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid

2009-04-05T02:54:00.000-07:00

Why do you always complicate things that are really quite simple?

- Mary Poppins

graze the light with your fingers

2009-04-04T06:22:00.000-07:00

there are a total of 7 drafts in my blog dashboard right now.
im hesitating too much these days, and i see a mess in the mirror. i dont feel right. but i hope that you are alright.

when i close my eyes i see a boy, sevenish, eightish or so, without a face. he was pulling out the flowers from the ground, pulled them to inspect them closely, to breathe in their faint scent. but his hands were little, he could not hold more, the rest fell to the ground. he was so carefree, so spirited.

state of the mind

2009-03-31T07:13:00.000-07:00

the conversation have not said one day and that anything very soon much today point because off it was just i regretted a together havent gotten matter of seconds i has just told you because maybe for the and you will probably stay but so close ive decide not toif i hurt as much better we will would not that we arent talking keep things a second ago we could have before you went not think i want to talk you tell you it because nobody actually too much that we didnt stay as friends because now im faced with the fear tomorrow i wanted to if that you will be gone day is and myself night it will get ever be is me but i am not very sure now i do it makes me freak out extremely badly if we it as well as we to ended should you said that the that really mean but that is not the only person that would determine knows what they are talking about sometimes.

this is not a riddle to solve, i just felt squirmy about what i wrote.

eternal sunshine

2009-03-31T05:12:00.001-07:00

a large part of me is so damn afraid to lose you, but the other little part says you'll be better off that way.

communication intermissions

2009-03-29T03:23:00.000-07:00

your okays of acknowledgement are no longer okays of acceptence.
our exchange emphasizes our differences, though differences are never excuses but they create doubts.

you no longer read this faithfully as before
i know why but not fully.there are things and people that are more important to you know.

i will not blame.

the way it is

2009-03-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

You need to stop being so concerned with collecting beautiful things and start being more concerned with making things beautiful.

dining dead couple

2009-03-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

you crave my presence, i need your comfort.
why does this always have to spell out everything? if not, will you ever find out?

i act on impulse all the time, im naive.
im like an open book, i tell you every embarrassing shit about me.
you're on the other hand, tight-lipped, tactful and intense.
you keep the words in your head, even the ones i need to hear.

when i laughed too much or talked through the night,
you just smile at me patiently, with a gaze fit giving to a young child.
on days that i have nothing to say, you watch me silently.
and what look was that?

i never believed conversation was connection, but why do the silences give me such insecurities? i am embarrassed that right now i sound so much like a twit. but i am still unable to comprehend, again and again. i have always try to live this life rationally, but the impulsive nature stripped my chances, gave me regrets. i threw away the ambitions and directions just to know you. at times i am proud of my little insignificant accomplishments, but i hate myself as a person.

i drown myself with movies, with quotes, with recommended reads. to fill my life with the meaning it has been missing.

i wish, i could stop blabbering.

the happiest dog i ever seen

2009-03-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

when school days are monotonous and make me sleepy, there is always youtube to make me laugh to tears. must be leeyen's influence.

she's a girl, for goodness sake!

2009-03-22T04:34:00.000-07:00

they talk about their parents, dads never around, dads no longer around, moms who care too much, moms who don't care at all. all of them said the same thing of every sad story, appreciate your family, be greatful towards your parents, blah blah yak yak, on and on. i nod in sympathy but i dont know what more to say. i have my own set of problems too, you know. i am ungrateful, im spoilt rotten, people say that but i dont give a shit. sometimes i wished it looked less perfect so there is a way people will know what i mean. because i never broke down for any particular reason in front of them, i never received a hug. just because i cling onto my bag straps too much doesnt mean they shouldnt hold my hand. i dont remember any iloveyous, any genuine word of encouragement, or a complete photo that meant anything. they are never close though they are always there, can you understand?
sometimes it takes something bad to make you see what matter.

Meet You There

2009-03-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

Owl City is making me almost the happiest girl on earth.
the holidays are enough.

wonderful

2009-03-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

at some point of every person's life, they will suspect that they have a serious psychological problem. and usually it is true.

2009-03-15T17:43:00.001-07:00

“ Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry."
-J.D. Salinger (The Catcher in the Rye)

Five, Ten, Eleven

2009-03-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

"maybe he misses you" but boys' misses are hard to tell and really hard to understand. but you're a boy you can tell me why and how it really works, can't you?

Love is very easy and rarely a problem. But it is people, or rather, relationships that are hard. Often you can find yourself on the brink of the worst type of feelings.

the rain will make tonight's sleep extremely peaceful.
i am glad.

yesterday's tomorrow will be wonderful.

2009-03-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

tomorrow there will be career talks and there is particularly no course im really interested in. and at times when im clueless and drained, i really, really, hate. thinking. of. the. future. i will probably sit there with a book and hope i do not get pointed out for my disrespect and lack of interest.

anyhow, time has been taking forever to pass lately, or maybe its just because the holidays are coming. busrides home are usually insightful and inspiring because it always rains, and i hate acknowledging people or making polite talks at times. it makes me an extremely rude and unfriendly person which explains why i bit my tongue during dinner.

slumdog have not been watched due to lots of last minute changes and unforeseen circumstances. i will watch it, during the holidays. i promised myself and i do not care anyyyymoooreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

on second, third and forth thoughts, if i could live last year all over again, i would read more poetry, draw more pictures, take more photos, and be more generous with my heart. but its okay because i am happy with where i am now, though not proud. maybe if it is desirable, i would tell you that i love you more. and that is when i meant it.

i should get down to complete my essay in the next hour before going to bed. i would gladly welcome as much sleep as possible because sleep makes me incessantly happy for no particular reason.

today has been a generally nice day, i am one day older and so are you.
i hope your day has been great and facebook have not been flooding your mail.

like children, we never give up hope.

2009-03-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

the rain makes me think, and remember that you, for some reason or another, do not like the rain.

it was one of those days which i forget to bring my music player to school. i sat huddled in the corner of the bus on my way home, the bus stuck in a jam and the rain pouring outside. for almost forever i sat in an uncomfortable position between a pole pressing against my right and a hyperactive primary schoolboy rocking the seat. i spent about an hour drifting in and out from a restless sleep, images of you and us fleeting in and out of my mind. once in a while i looked at my fingers and the weathered faces around me and wondered why is this world such a tired place to be.

the girl in front of me was playing with a rubic cube. she doesnt really know how but her fingers looked beautiful. one moment she goes for green, and when she's done with green she goes for white. but that's not the way you should do it, and she lost the green when she gets the white. the cycle repeats with red, blue and yellow. She didnt manage to perfect it, but it didnt stop her from trying. everyone around her was looking at her mistakes, but she was okay. it is so much like me, but in my case, without the patience nor the courage.

it is so hard and i am so lost. we are like two mysteries to solve.
and... i am really bad at puzzles.

Letter Eight

2009-03-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

Borgeby gard, Fladie, Sweden
August 12, 1904

I want to talk to you again for a little while, dear Mr. Kappus, although there is almost nothing I can say that will help you, and I can hardly find one useful word. You have had many sadnesses, large ones, which passed. And you say that even this passing was difficult and upsetting for you. But please, ask yourself whether these large sadnesses haven't rather gone right through you. Perhaps many things inside you have been transformed; perhaps somewhere, deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad. The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly, they just withdraw and after a short interval break out again all the more terribly; and gather inside us and are life, are life that is unlived, rejected, lost, life that we can die of. If only it were possible for us to see farther than our knowledge reaches, and even a little beyond the outworks of our presentiment, perhaps we would bear our sadnesses with greater trust than we have in our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy embarrassment, everything in us withdraws, a silence arises, and the new experience, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it all and says nothing.
- Maria Rilke

An Ant's Best Friend

2009-03-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

Mr Ant Explorer was going around my desk looking for his friends.
and he found them stuck in a bubble of hot glue before i painted him purple.
it was way too convenient for me.

and tempting too.
my tutor said i'll get bad karma for being bad to insects,

and my bad karma?
to become a math teacher.

you should have seen my face.

I Really Hate To Think Of Titles

2009-03-07T06:02:00.000-08:00

seriously, why are we always looking forward to being someone else?

i wish you were the best.

2009-03-04T05:27:00.000-08:00

i was bored before doing my math tutorials, and i did some quiz which told me something new about myself i never knew.
my greatest fear is actually, about all things. commitment.

You Keep Silent For Your Reasons

2009-03-03T05:28:00.000-08:00

i cant take this anymore. ive sat down here for almost an hour, trying to convey whatever im been feeling right now but NOTHING IS POSSIBLE
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i think im not going to blog as regularly as i did in the past because it is high time for me to learn to say certain things in real life. my mind is always drifting out in little bits and pieces and a blog is never too adequate to capture them all. too bad! i should. stop. talking. to imaginary people and other strange ones who treat my blog like newspaper to my life. byebye!

stab you assholes who dont believe in me!
one day when you laugh at me, you will laugh so hard that your guts burst, and the intestinal juices will gush into your bloodstream, get pumped slowly, like little bubbles of bubbling poison, into your arteries, your veins, your heart, your brain. it will stop your thoughts, and make you forget to breathe. oh then you will hate your heart for beating. how much you will hate yourself for being alive. you will grab your throat and fight for air, you'll kick the ground and groan in an obscene and pathetic manner. roll your eyes to the back of your head so you can see clearer, you'll look so revolting your friends laugh at you. their laughter will ring in your ears till you're gone. you have lost. your lousy sense of humour eventually kills you off.

you shall. you shall.
hehehehehehehehe...

Marry Me

2009-02-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

I AM BACK
with something random.

On the Necessity of Longing

2009-01-19T03:28:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about longing.
Let me presume that I have something
new to say about it, that this room,
naked, its walls pining for clocks,
has something new to say
about absence. Somewhere
the crunch of an apple, fading
sunflowers on a quilt, a window
looking out to a landscape
with a single tree. And you
sitting under it. Let go,
said you to me in a dream,
but by the time the wind
carried your voice to me,
I was already walking through
the yawning door, towards
the small, necessary sadnesses
of waking. I wish
I could hold you now,
but that is a line that has
no place in a poem, like the swollen
sheen of the moon tonight,
or the word absence, or you,
or longing. Let me tell you about
longing. In a distant country
two lovers are on a bench, and pigeons,
unafraid, are perching beside them.
She places a hand on his knee
and says, say to me
the truest thing you can.
I am closing my eyes now.
You are far away.

- Mikael de Lara Co

Talking To Boys

2009-01-13T05:11:00.000-08:00

Today the seniors came back and it makes me a little envious how much ahead they are in life already. they are in places im working hard now to be in, worries and art-consumed expressions off their faces. their sweet smiling faces.
they have conquered The Hell and their shoes are a much better place to be, than my tomorrow.

Tomorrow school starts. when i will seat in freezing LTs struggling to keep myself awake, and long talks on meeting goals, getting good grades, so and so. very soon the busrides in the morning will be my solitude and music my escape. i cant believe how old i will get. but ive decided this year, i will try to get as much sleep as possible and to always, always keep my spirits up.

when everything begins and goes on and on. its like the start of a marathon im forced to run. obese, naive me. so lack of determination.

Adrian Tan is rumoured to become my math tutor.
oh no, it cant be true. i will bang my head on the table in tears and wail like a banshee in the middle of math class :(
and he might look in surprise, and after awhile say,

will that math impaired girl get out of my class?

i will get strange dreams tonight

2009-01-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

i think if i were to look at you now i would cry.

2009-01-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

I promised her i would remember her birthday, to be there for her when she needs me, and to always, answer. her. calls.

she never called.
i never asked. and it stayed that way.

she cried over things, i cried over things, and both of us don't even know why.
i wished i could write her something to tell her she is still special, that i still miss her sometimes. and at random times when im thinking she still occupies my mind.

it would be very random and she would laugh.
ive let others invade and trample all over. and then i yearn for her attention.

Seventeen Going Eighteen

2009-01-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

You know i cant believe im this old.
two generations ago, my grandma got married.

i seriously, dislike this.

no i do not mean i want to get married now.
but.... you get my drift, right?

It is Art Im Worried About

2009-01-08T04:42:00.000-08:00

the writing muse is back and i think my blog will open soon.
its quite silly to talk to myself like this.

school will reopen in three days, im prepared to face things but ironically, not to face other, unspoken and irrational fears, of well, school.
i like school for its laughter and occasional irrelevance, how it occupies my life and keep me busy most of the time. allowing my life to interweave with other people confused like me, sometimes more or less, about their identity, their beliefs, their needs.
struggling, sad adoloscents. sad, but strong.

sometimes when im with people, i think im weird. i usually feel weird, and irrelevant. awkward, unappreciated, unliked. but people who care enough, or who are nice enough, always say its only in my head. i feel lonely among people, i have that habit.

school keeps me busy, though sometimes too much.
but its better than letting me stay home too much, swinging my legs above the ground and feeling inadequate and unaccomplished.
i like to let my legs swing above the ground sometimes, it makes me feel like a child. which i know clearly im not anymore.

many times i worry that im too self-absorbed.
egoistic, selfish and at times too self-critical.
im not sure if it makes me a good person. no i don't think so.

my mom asked me with genuine concern whether drumming makes me happy, and whether i think i will be able to handle drums when school reopens. i quit it last week, and it have not been bothering much other than a few occasional times when i feel drumming will make me feel better about myself.

i think she worries for me too, to pick between my future and my happiness. at my age i don't put them together unlike some people.
and i am glad.

Fearless And Stupid

2009-01-05T03:52:00.000-08:00

i almost got run down today, by a cab.
it was just a few little inches and a few seconds, resulting in a very angry driver, and extremely shocked witnesses. a man asked if i was okay, and some others cast me displeasured looks.

i forgot what was i exactly thinking about.
i forgot the instance i heard the horn, and i swore i got cursed to some sorts.

i wished my eyes looked less tired and my lips would smile a little bit more.
my laugh don't even sound real, and my voice no longer sounds like mine.
i wish i was happier, regardless of whether you are or not around.

even when you're around i never looked into your eyes, or held your hand, but my heart clings onto yours like my life depended on it so.

Reasons why I stopped Posting

2009-01-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

oh hello nobody will read this till awhile later, but still i will explain in a rational and rather solemn manner why i have gone on a short hiatus, to well, myself.

life was getting a little boring and i thought i needed to get my sorry ass out to do something for someone. do something great each day instead of sit down somewhere contemplating about noone but myself and spending all day on the net doing anything but something.

and secondly, i am seriously, really really bored of typing alot alot alot alot of shit about my sorry life. in the same repetitive terms that will bore your asses off and it wudnt be good cause i know blogreading is extremely addictive and people will still read me even when i get irrelevant and annoying, and of course unconsciously start to hate me.

ive decided to do more stuff, like math, and art. and probably read a fine book, watch some movies that will make me laugh, think over some lyrics and write a few tunes. it would be good before the holidays end you see.

its not like i would stop forever, i just need the mood back. and probably a need to take more photographs,

i am really, really tired of just words.

Sooner

2008-12-31T22:50:00.000-08:00

i hope it rains today
my blog is on hiatus because im starting to dislike many things im constantly fretting about.

my life will be good

I Wished

2008-12-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

The Man who worked too hard, and the Woman who cared too much really drove me insane today.

it was a really bad day, i am glad i had the first half of the day to myself.
do you ever get feelings -at times when ur parents really, really piss you off- that you never want to have kids of your own in fear of making the same mistakes and in result causing the next generations misery?

as much as i was a lucky child with a proper upbringing and enough care from my parents to make myself grow fat, i think i grew up with too much feelings of neglect, hatred and jealousy. at some point of time i remember being an extremely unhappy child.

ha. ha. ha.
no i dont mean that.

if i turn out like my mom i would really, really stick to a dog for my lifetime.
i have two days left to do more art and math. this is getting reealllyyy shitty.

This Is Not Qixuan

2008-12-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

ahmagawwwdddd!!
*does bimbotic flick of hand*

how can any freaking human complete 5 reasonably looking paintings in 3 days?!

i am extremely appalled by Coming Wednesday 10am.
its sad but at least i have something to do tonight except lie in bed for hours and fantasize about kissing you, which is apparently detrimental towards my mental health, and too much will really make me go mental.

I am currenty possessed and im dreaming of framing up my paintings in beautiful golden vintage frames which would, really, really complete the look.

its 12 and my family has gone to bed. like ahmagawd once again.
but not my dad who is practically working himself to death,
and brother who probably has a new date now.

good for the men.

Phantasm

2008-12-26T23:22:00.000-08:00

Do you believe that when people get incredulously bored, they get hallucinations of the strangest things? And they talk to imaginary small little people, and thy would laugh in different octaves and intensity for no apparent reason?

Santa's either major slacking and not caring about me, or that ive been a really bad girl this year. whatever it is, he didnt give me what i wished for.

ive spent almost the whole of today leaning against the sofa and trying sketch jennfier's anniston's face as i watch friends. i made her look like a rabbit with hair straight blonde hair. epic.

i seriously cant believe that school is starting soon, and my peaceful slow-paced life will be robbed away. school's a monster.

why is the weather so, bloody, hot! and my room's situated in such a manner that the freaking sun shines directly against MY BACK. BLOODY ASSHOLES I NEED A FRIGGING CURTAIN i am burning like a roasted platypus.

my house lets in too much sun.

Extra Note: dont be sad if im not replying any messages because my phone is COMPLETELY, and i mean completely screwed up, it refuses to switch on for half a day already so just chill and find another way to reach me if its urgent.
i still love you!

I Wish I Had Better Photos

2008-12-25T00:19:00.000-08:00

it was about a boy, and a girl, who in the first time in their lives, find the courage to say everything to each other that needs to be said, but even without having to speak
- Lila Reed from Nearly Famous

its a little cold and you'll go tonight, but i didnt use today to stay by your side.
im rotten this way.

Nearly Famous

2008-12-23T06:15:00.000-08:00

the show enci recently recommended to me is my new motivation and ironically enough, my new distraction in completing the holiday homework.

owen reminds me very much of a person i know, beautiful and very confused.
watching it makes me feel a little wistful.

Vietnam

2008-12-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

I always loved candid photos on trips, much to many people's dismay :P

Vietnam is a beautiful country, but in my opinion not a nice place to be.
Days were spent very much sweating in the sun, or not, on very bumpy busrides (and at those times we really didnt mind the bumps)

Together with my family, and uncle + aunt + cousins who have been travelling companions since i was young, we conquered the airpolluted and densely populated Captial Of Vietnam, and a much better place to be, Dalat.

i will let the photos speak.

scooters there are more plentiful than the ants on my table. which is very bad, and they weave around in a complete chaotic manner. it took me, and us, a rather long time, and a great amount of courage to learn how to cross the roads.

the markets are so bad, that an hour there will make your head spin. i didnt have the guts to whip out my camera to bring you evidence, wait. i didnt even have guts to bring it there in the first place

but well, things turn a little better.

and so do the markets, to show how relieved i am, they are in full colour.

in this photo i have no idea if my aunt was doing a peace sign, or asking the woman to sell her the berries at Twenty Thousand Vietnam Dong.

and the annual Vegetable Festival even allowed us a glimpse of comical clumsy dancing fruits.

the cold weather in Dalat also gives us awesome opportunities to sit by roadsides in the night for some warm supper. they are one of the highlights because im quite a pig. (so is my family)

there was also a night we went out to a village of a minority race in Vietnam, to watch them dance to Country Pop songs.
sounds weird? yea, cultural erosion, or rather, an extreme scam.

occasionally bad weather + grumpy adults + hectic schedule + bumpy busrides make us extremely uncomfortable and unhappy.
and also, at times adults do adult things and neglect us, see.

Oh, but seriously. nothing beats, or brings down the teenage spirit.
We still have our little doses of fun and laughter.

like relieving our lost childhood by playing bumpercars and 100m rollercoasters that are so slow you dont need seatbelts.

playing on swings that are meant for couples to make out on.

and well, catching adults in weird positions and making up stories about them.

and in my case, which you really should not know:

checking out the Checkered-Shirt Boys from all around the world! (WHEE!)

this is, well. another form of eyecandy.

the trip is awesome with a bunch of talking stuff toys, books and pens, siblings and cousins, for company.

but i will forgo the Checkered-Shirt Boys and the horse for Singapore, seriously.
im reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllyyy glad to be home.

Back

2008-12-21T03:06:00.000-08:00

Singapore has better roads and air.
i am gladdddd, wayyyy gladdd, to be home.

photopost in a LITTTTLLLEEEm while.
bet u all missed me :P

have tons of stuff to do and catch up with in 20 days.
oh god, ONLY twenty days. i feel late.

Just Make Believe

2008-12-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

'its okay that im not as pretty as the others, and sometimes it hurts. many times it bothers me but there are things we cant change and sometimes we learn to accept the facts whether they are hard to take or not. whether it takes a while or take a lifetime'

tiak told me sad things about love in life which brings me very much to the past.
i am very sure she will be happy, now, soon, or maybe a while later. but she will.

the glass pane on the bus was extremely cold today, and i lay my cheek against the glass for the whole journey home.

why do i deserve love in the first place?

He Was a Good Boy

2008-12-11T19:05:00.000-08:00

do you realise when you read the morning papers, about freak accidents, murders, suicides and whatsoever else is happening to our world, parents and friends will sing praises about the deceased. it will stretch to about one page full of little text, on how great, how smart, how beautiful, how important they are.

and i am very sure most of these little beautiful details about each and every one of them are rarely told to them when they are alive.
why do you actually wait for a person to be gone to say all that?

Dear Friend

2008-12-10T00:24:00.000-08:00

Today i chose not to be angry with the world.
i wrote an apology letter to a friend, and spent a few hours thinking.

i had a chat with siannerzx, and though we have not talked about many things ive thought about, the conversation gave me the courage to cast away many things that are bothering me for very long.

in the dim lighting of my bed and an awkward posture i did not write well.
but i thought well and pen it in my diary even after my hand hurt and my eyes got tired after squinting.

i am proud.

Hello To Little Chains Of Promises

2008-12-09T06:33:00.000-08:00

my friends are back, and my social life is seeing some sort of light.
my tomorrow till sunday are filled now, and orange lights are blinking at the bottom of my computer. well, imagine a week of the complete opposite.

my blogging style has gone completely wired, i usually dont type in such monotonous chunk, droning on and on about how bored i am. or maybe i do? but only now im starting to realise the state of it. terrible, terrible.

im reading this week's Times, and there is an 8-paged article about Mumbai.
sometimes i really wonder if something like that happen to me, or people around me, what would i be thinking right now. and feeling, yes, the feeling.
maybe i would complain less, i would breathe better air, and see more beauty in this world. maybe i would be braver, with words, with action, and with tomorrows.

i really dont know. but all i know is, i am not at the moment.

my nails are still taking forever to grow, my hair forever to dry. and my mom comes in and out of my room to check on me. everything is just happening in ticking little rhythms and im listening and staring at it pass by.

who im staying up for has went to bed, and im stuck wondering if i should go to bed too. but he has to wake up at unearthly hours. for me tomorrow is a wednesday, and it'll just be like today.

i havent done much this holidays and it upsets me alot. it was so different last year. there were children to fill my days, and long msn conversations to midnight.
now, it is 10pm. i sit. i think. i think of next year. school. oh god, not school.

Welcome Back Peeps

2008-12-08T02:57:00.000-08:00

the aepers are home, and yes im very glad.
u know how frigging much i missed ur the day ur walked off into the departure halls, and im left behind with UR parents and only poor Chanel to understand the sad feeling. the whole place just became silent and died down, and we could see but not hear u any longer. and of course after a while, we dont see u too. oh god, u guys owe me a compensation.

the cold weather today is making my head ache, its making all the lights around me dance, and i have no idea what is going to help.
definitely not sleep, because i had tons of them. for like days in a row.

i cant think dont make me think.
its killing me like seriouslllyyyy... :(

Ive Always Liked It.

2008-12-08T01:25:00.000-08:00

CUT HERE TO LET THE SUNSHINE IN

Dinosaurs Arent Extinct They're Just Shy

2008-12-06T16:50:00.000-08:00

'There’s a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I don’t know, and a little emotion behind every I don’t’ care. '

i just woke up and im sleepy already.
like yawning non stop till my jaws hurt, and. god, my eyes are shutting. im really morphing into a pig sooner or later, oh sinful sleep. the holidays.

OMG I HAVENT WATCH BOLT YET.
CAN DIE. i dont know what to do in the afternoon :/

I am Just Interested in Being Inspired

2008-12-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

silences are growing too stiffling,
i am unable to make myself produce anything resourceful today.
math work is lying all over the table, its bad. i should file my work.
organise it, yea. put them away, neatly.

was playing ball today with my siblings in the living room before our mom trampled in and confiscated the ball. and the volume control on peecee boy is stuck, the virus is starting to haunt my computer.

it'll be good to stay up tonight, it feels special,
and i hope it rains.

i have not painted for ages.
im starting to feel old.

Walking With Ghosts

2008-12-04T03:22:00.000-08:00

ive been so easily affected by little things around me today that i suffered 360 degrees of moodswings all in less then 12 hours. maybe its the pile of new homework my math teacher had given me, they are all in a mess, he asks for a file, neater, more organised kind of work. and its driving me insane because ive never put in so much for math ever before, and its making me unable to breathe. but i know, its for my own good and i actually pay to be tortured. on second thoughts maybe not. maybe its the rain, the rain ive walked in today. the rain ive deliberately walked in today. i like it when it rains, then i walk around in it, go into cold shopping malls, sit on the ground, freezing, shivering and sneezing. so people would walk past and take pity on me. crazy, but i really like it. people will look at you strangely, ask you weird things, and give you really dumb advices like going to toilets to use the hand dryer or stuff like that. 'do you want coffee?' while pointing to starbucks was the best ive had. i rejected it, of course. the pull your heart string thing is really, well, just for fun. i just like observing strangers' faces and you cant really do it unless they look at you in the face. ive been knocked around by my own head, my fleeting train of thoughts that never really settle down for my sanity's sake. ive concluded im vulnerable when he's around. there's nothing wrong with it. i thought i was tired, i lay to sleep, i cudnt. but i fell asleep today at the back of the bus, with the familiarity of the lucky spot, the passing scenery and the smell of my jacket. i could sleep with that. ive been chased by alot of memories from the past. its a good time to be nostalgic anyway, its afterall the beginning of december. today i attempted to top up my ezlink card with The plastic card for the first time, and jammed up the machine pretty badly. i dont mind wasting people's time like that because, i dont know. it just makes me happy. i like it when they get all worked up, be angry for a little while, and later realise that it isnt such a big deal afterall. i lay in my bed and did almost nothing, till i started fiddling with my guitar and magically learn to play a new song. its quite insane but yea, the weirdest things happen. when im alone im invincible. but i dont want to be alone, even if that makes me, no longer invincible. this's only in my mind, really.

its a long post, so you might get disinterested and not read it. because its a bunch of mindless ranting which normal people should not be interested in.

today i got pushed by people on purpose.
today i pushed people on purpose.
today i got ignored several times.
today i got angry with people for no reason, including myself, but that, for a reason.
today... oh. lets not talk about today anymore.

Giving Birth to Her Own Wings

2008-12-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

“ When I was a child, my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk you’ll end up as the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.“
-Pablo Picasso

2008-12-02T02:36:00.000-08:00

today i watched Madagascar and ran home trying to beat the rain.

Madagascar was a good show, it has some kind of a heart in the characters.
MELMAN MADE ME CRY, and i thought my heart was hardening.

soon i will watch Bolt, Bedtime Stories, and the silly mouse show which i do not know what is the name. dont blame me, im making use of chances while tickets are still 6.5. and i have to get sweets, new books for the new year, paint a few more paintings, get some frames from ikea, while its still the holidays.
need. to. get. my. ass. out. of. the. house. more.

im officially promoted to a 'new-aged' teen,
i have a piece of metal to rely on, and to pay for me now.
not a good thing, i cant bug my parents for side cash anymore.

its later then i expect to be home, and i must complete my homework by tonight.
some math, and some stuff i have to finish writing. and my frigging table is invaded with ants again! i must hire ant exterminator. my tutor is against killing the ants on my desk, just like deborah ong. they will make awesome pals.

My Rules To burning Mixcds.

2008-12-01T00:54:00.000-08:00

when i am bored it helps when my dad bring empty cds home. i was suddenly urged to do some mixing as i was listening to enci's disc.
she was trying hard to deny the songs arent weird, but they are.
mixing is good cause i have the excuse to sit at the computer, and having the excuse that im 'making use' of time to be nice towards people.

kudos to me!
my cds are special because i am special!

1) place fast and slow songs on an alternate pattern to give the listener violent moodswings.

2) the best is after putting loud and angsty music, cheer them up with a Barney soundtrack! its always good to cheer up your friends :D

3) record voice tracks and insert them randomly into the CD. like, HELLO, YOU ARE VERY PRETTY TODAY, THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MEEE!
so it'll be like a talking CD with your voice!

4) you can make it like PSLE listening examinations tapes.
before every track, read in perfect english/chinese in a robotic voice. 'track twelve...'and then after every track, ask dumb redundant questions about the song. and give them a few options to pick. you can see if they were really listening!

5) use a music editor and cut tracks at their climax, and insert strange sounds from soundeffects.com

i shall make a few now :D

Today Will Be Rough

2008-11-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

actually no, it wouldnt
but im suffering from Robinson Crusoe First Day In Island symptoms.

you know, the alone on an island with monkeys and sand, and sadly having no shit idea what to do. yes exactly.
my ears were itchy and i just scratched them. this is getting immensely borinnngggg. i have math to do, and art to think about. but im too lazy to get on with them.

what are they doing now, lunch? walking around.
oh the weather there must be nice. oh, oh...

AHMYGOD THE SHUFFLE JUST PLAYED SOME TECHNO SONG. NONONO.
CHANGE.
change, change.
okay done.

i woke up about eleven today and i almost flipped over when i saw the time.
i frigging wasted my morning!, i shouted. and my mom commented rudely that if i were awake it'll be pretty much the same.

i swore if i had no conscience about wasting time, i WOULD GO BACK TO SLEEP.
bloody hell. i dont waste time, i sit in my room and provide a stable surface for spiders to build their webs. THAT. IS. NOT. WASTING. TIME!
hhmppprrrhh!

okay i better put today to good use.
byyyyeeebyyye :D

Today Is a Sunday

2008-11-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

i have officially sent the aepers off.
and tiak's parents sent me home which is very sweet of them :)

seeing other travel makes me feel a little left out. as in not only the art trip. being at airports always gives me this kind of feeling. seeing families eating before their flights, chattering excitedly and all that. and big bunches of friends together, telling inside jokes and things. and couples, oh couples. honeymoon and all that sickening sweet shit.
sigh, very envious.

travelling is very good cause u just leave messes and chuck responsibilities behind, have a new fresh start in a place that noone really knows u. you dont have anything to live up to, and no yourself to be. spend all the money you got, and come back with a new perspective of everything. its like being reborn! you knooowwww....

no stop, stop thinking.
one more week and its my turn. shush.

this week will be a bunch of movies, alot alot of movies, lots of sleeping, reading, drawing, painting, lying around to ponder, and qixuan&herself time.
very self-centered, i know.

i like it very much, but i hope that Friends & Boy will be home very soon, and of course. with good stories to tell.

god, i AM sleepy.
goodnight. :)

Nick

2008-11-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

A straight bass player in an all gay band.

Artist Vs. Poet

2008-11-27T07:06:00.001-08:00

I currently feel like a decayed limpless living organism living under layers and layers of dust and concrete.
ive spent too long alone in the room, and everyday is very much the same. i just count the numbers, and look back at the time ive lost. i wake, sit, and be there the entire day, and not turning on the room lights till 10pm at night. and that is cause my mom came in and insist i turn it on lest i turn blind.
i only walk out when there is a need to eat, or well... pee. i alternate between my desk and my bed, as if taking turns to keep them warm.
this is extremely hazardous to my mental and social health.

i look out of the window sometimes, but it isnt as romantic as you think.
i just breathe in the good weather and feel a little tinge of sadness about being stupid enough to feel pleasure in voluntarily cooping myself up at home. All the HDB buildings and little ant-like people in their chapalang clothes walking around makes it too inconducive to daydream.

the good thing is, this mundane daily routines require so little energy i just need three hours of sleep per day. haha, amazing huh.

i think ive lost my ability to talk, i just yabber like stupid mascot cartoons on morning tv shows.the phone has been flat for a day and a half and i cant be bothered to charge it, much less turn it on.

hahaha, im okay though, im happy and listening to alot of matt wertz.
for so long, i dont even know how he looks like.

the AEPers are leaving on Sunday night.
and that will make it very much worse. as Tiak and Syahidah are the two main people who're keeping my communication cells alive. (via the internet)

im living basically on food, water, oxygen and the Internet.
tomorrow i will head to the library to borrow ronald dahl's books, i think it'll be good and it'll make me laugh more than the internet.

my mom was saying how kind my math tuition teacher is to be so patient when teaching a dumbblock like me, which i quite agree.
since the agent is so effective, can i hire a best friend? i would pay some money, and alot of love. we can sit in my room together, smell the sheets, do dinosaur activiy books, and play mundane card games while i whine how stupid and boring it is. and she'll teach me how to play the guitar, and scout magazines for pretty girls, and making up the boys with markers.

i might be less dependent on itunes, and my computer for survival.

Say: I Love You.

2008-11-26T05:53:00.000-08:00

30th November 2008

2008-11-26T05:08:00.000-08:00

every single song reminds me of you.
im starting to feel it and its getting worse.

im having tuition and piano tomorrow which i dread.
another week is ending, which means school is starting soon.
i very the sad.

consultation turned out okay and i wasnt steered away from my concept one bit. which is very good. i am glad. god said that its a good time for me to move on and not look back on Olevels. and that its important to let my drawings grow up and change my colour schemes and my style to reflect the new found 'maturity'. burrr...

its rather relieving that she feels that way because i cant stand people who tell me to stick to my jolly happy pastel colours because 'that is the way i am'
oh seriously, go die. even my MOM dont do that.

illustration, fashion, installation, character design
the lack of paintings make our batch the coolest ever :D muahahaha.

I Do Not Want To Hear the Word!

2008-11-24T00:46:00.000-08:00

i think i picked up the gift of randomness from my dad.

i successfully tripped over my sister's swivel chair, crash into the wall and toppled the piano chair to pick up the phone awhile ago.
it was my dad, and guess wad he said.

'hello. testing phone 1, 2, 3. byebye.'
*click

FUNNY AH YOU

What Is Love?

2008-11-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

Off Keyed

2008-11-21T00:39:00.000-08:00

i should wear my glasses more often,
they make me feel more invisible, and being invisible is very good.
except for the fact that it slips off my face too easily, and its unbalanced hinges makes me dizzy after awhile.

now, im so dizzy i feel like im going to barf.
the night is very pretty tonight and i miss you.

i just sneezed, and it happens because i believe. (you dont :P)
i always miss you on pretty nights. maybe not so pretty ones too.

i dont think i'll go to bed till the barfing feeling goes away.
it makes me uncomfortable and i cant sleep when im uncomfortable.

i watch ratatouille for like a millionth time just now.
my mom almost threatened me to switched it off after i started completing their sentences.

some people outgrow disney because they stopped believing in things turning out alright in the end. disney's so full of that.

but i like disney not because i believe in happy endings. i am seventeen, seriously.
i just like it because they can weave stories beautifully, with proper starts and complete endings. every action has its purpose, every word has its meaning. every minute is cherished, and every second reveals something new. what is there should be there, and what shouldnt, is not. its always clean, short, simple and very (sickeningly) sweet.
(and i am NOT talking about HSM)

alot of people just dismiss it, oh its cartoon anyway, and dont see it. who cares.
i secretly, and not so secretly anymore, like it because that's the way i want my life to be.

but hey, what if my life doesnt have an ending?

Life is like PhotographyWe Develop From Negatives

2008-11-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

maybe the popular kids think they are special.
and maybe the popular kids wanabes think they will be special.
if that makes them happy.

im leaving the house in about half an hour
my mom is still on the phone talking about results.

my hair is long now, and it havent been so long before. it makes me feel old.
like some sort of new aged cavewoman.

the computer is lagging a little bit, the internet connection is slow.
i admit im addicted to the net, and every second i spent looking at the ceiling makes me realise and breathe my addiction. its very bad.
even on days i dont know what to do on the net, i'll just go to yahoo.com, stare at the screen, and breathe.
harmful.

the morning was a little boring after breakfast so i wrapped old things in blue paper. i might open them during christmas.

just a stalk is good, more than one loses its importance.
why do girls like bouquets, i wonder.

Do Not Eat Soggy Waffles

2008-11-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

Today is an extremely hot day.
drink more water, and drink less milo.

i would very much like to visit the zoo, and complete a painting without worrying about math. but all im doing now is watching videos on apple.com and doing alot of mental calculations, yea, surrounded by dusty worksheets and upsetting test papers.

and ive decided that i'll never dye my hair another colour.
i shall still be okay with highlights.

my mom is speaking to a million anxious parents about picking schools for their little secondary-student-to-be children. and, she's consoling some of them that, GOOD PSLE SCORE ALSO DONT MEAN WILL DO WELL IN OLEVELS ONE, SEE MY DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH... SO AHHH, YOUR SON HARDWORKING IN SECONDARY SCHOOL SURE CAN ONE.

okay thank you very much.
little boys and girls may be crying over their results, and they are like 12.
tsktsk. when i was 12 i wasnt caring that much. silly ninnies.

Look What I Found in the Mail!

2008-11-19T04:28:00.001-08:00

my mom came home with a fat envelope for me,
which has the words 'On Ministry's Service' and it terrified me for a second.

and GUESS WHAT.

muahahaha.
my design is printed into a BOOK, and and.
im not uncreditted this time, unlike the stupid one which they FRIGGING PRINTED MY CAT COMIC IN A NEWSPAPER WITHOUT MY BEAUTIFUL NAME.
(actually i got over that)

okay this one says in lovely Times New Roman,
Cover design by Lim Qi Xuan, Nanyang Junior College
A winner at the Anti-Drug Handphone Wallpaper Design Contest '08

and they gave me three copies, erm. courteosy or wadever.
i think its going to becoming some goodie bag freebie thing.

i am very good, i warn kids and big kids not to take drugs.
i am anti drug ambassador no.1

hahaha, seriously champion

Titleless, Im Lazy to Think

2008-11-18T01:52:00.001-08:00

arent there some days when you just feel like changing your hair, your clothes, and everything about you. i think it kicks in when i get too bored with life.

with holidays, with school, with work. work isnt really work, though.
that's life very much for me now. it just says, basically, that i am bored.
indeed.

i'll surf the web and fantasize about chopping my hair off, which i wudnt cause i lack such courage in real life.

kao has left and he is probably happy in Thailand now.
he had hordes of people to send him off which is very nice, and its good that he is not very sad about leaving. it makes bidding him off less painful too. he came very much like Kao and left very much like Kao. there's only one Kao to remember in that way.

i havent been getting the strange surrealistic dreams which i now quite miss.
i am getting proper life-like dreams again which i forget the instant i wake up, but at times i wake up seeing his face. and i cant remember why. my sister reported to me that ive been talking in my sleep, which im quite afraid i'll blurt out things i dont want to say. so im considering taping my mouth up to sleep, which will get me therapy sessions which is quite weird, i'll avoid that.

ive earned something from my dad and i cant decide what i really want, and i dont know which would help me more. its blocking my brains i cant think. im superficial like that, i get hyped up over things that cost money.
i am hence, very evil.

Congrats to Tiak and Enci for winning graphite! i know u guys will get something in any case, which is very awesome. we are nanyang, afterall :P
i shall draw little trophies on your arms the next time i meet u so you will know you are champion. im proud of you two!

tomorrow is banquet with adlin and syahidah.
i hope syahidah remembers if not i will send Sax after her, and slither into her bedroom in the middle of the night.
She is afraid of Sax, god knows why.

To Mac or Not to Mac

2008-11-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

Introduction
PC or Mac that is the question. This seems to be the question many consumers are wondering these days. Both PCs and Macs have their strong points as well as their weak points, but when it comes to designing, Mac is the clear winner.

what the heck.
my dad asked me to do proper research before Sunday,
i keyed: good graphic laptops

then after the search results loaded.
i keyed instead: good graphic PC laptops

but honestly, is a camera or a laptop more worth it?

Saturdays

2008-11-14T23:39:00.000-08:00

my weekends are usually with someone, or some people, rarely like this.
but okay, whatever, i borrowed 12 books from the library and i dont need friends for now :P

i need a bath and a more math-y brain.
SuperGirl was disappointment to The Math Man.
from a U to a C is insane. if i ever do it, it'll be yet one of the craziest shit i'll ever do, or have done in my life. it sucks to think about it, if im forced to drop to a H1 next year, degrading. there's a difference in walking out, and being forced to walk out. but im very awesome, i chose not to give up. *claps*

math is very mundane and art is very awesome.
im not typing in proper sentences or making much sense, but that is due to lack of socializing, im dying at home.

i have a new toy snake called sax, he is brown with orange beady eyes. he likes to eat cats, especially black cats, and he sleeps with his belly face-up.
he is very handsome.

im lonely at home. the weather is very good, for picnics.
it is the only thing i delight about today.
i have a few ulcers in my mouth which makes talking/eating/drinking extremely painful but i still do them anyway cause they are my three favourite things in life.

my brother is marching around the house and making strange pitty-patty noises with his feet. there is also occasional jumping and stamping noises which i am not really interested in finding out.

i hope your saturday is more interesting than mine.

Bon Voyage

2008-11-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

instincts tell me you'll read this before you go
you know i care more than just a blogpost

so may you have a safe trip and come home soon.
:)

Geek Chic Heroine

2008-11-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

I can win an award for 'checking the phone the most number of times per minute'
its exactly 2222 now and another minute later, my blog post will no longer be accurate.

it is almost two days since i turned Seventeen, and it still feels very much the same.
Sixteen was my year of 'first times', what's Seventeen? i still not know.

tomorrow's econs, lit, and art day. my eyes are still infected, i'll be in specs.
its a little saddening cause they always slip off my face, and i have to push it back up half the time.

my mom will meet up with my form tomorrow, two plus. not like you need to know.
but it will be interesting, to see how a woman who love and care for me for all Seventeen years of my life, to be talking to a man, who knows me for less then 10 months, about me.

2009 is my future. 10 years later, is also my future.

if i was better with clay, digital and filmography, i would really do a stop motion for coursework. like, corspe bride. but sadly, im not.
-

today i bought a Dream Bible.
it didnt really help me because they werent exact enough regarding colours. its saddening cause i still cant find out wads wrong with my head.

i have a new diary which ive stuck on a card of a lingerie model. she's pretty and wearing my underwear.
the diary is really old, its calendar is of year 1991,

god. that was the year i was born.

God, I'm Olllddd...

2008-11-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

OKAY, im officially seventeen now.
another year more awesome, and another year more annoying. hohoho.
im no more 16, and hence i am unable to take part in alot of things meant for, erm. grown-up children. very sad.

seventeen is frikking old, im almost reaching half of my desired 'death age'.
and i had a weird dream yesterday, which was nice cause some stupid woman in 711 change me 1000 bucks when she was suppose to change me 10, and i got rich! oh, then i dreamt that some strange idiots bombed up a school. which is quite weird, but the bomb is harmless really, it just got them into trouble.

im blabbering, and im not exactly thinking.
OH, OP'S OVER, and im suppose to think about whether i should drop math to h1. which is not compulsory, but its like. AN OPPORTUNITY.

army boys are pesky because they always have this, 'short period of free time thing' which make them kings because you have to arrange things according to them.
nono, daniel not you, im talking about my brother. my brother. gah.

oh, happy birthday to me! :D
see ya little lovely people around MY lovely little world. today the world belongs to ME. muahahha.

Space

2008-11-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

i was staring at my room for quite a while now.
and i was just thinking of getting big frames from ikea to frame up my class photos, in neat silver angular frames, maybe i would hang little christmas bulbs about them, so they twinkle and reflect on the frames. im bored, really.

technology is getting so advance that now memories fade faster than photographs, i thought it used to be the other way round.
and if this explains lomo, i forgive them abit.

after so long i think ive learnt a teeny weeny bit, that things in life is really just pretty much short-lived and there's nothing much about it. its not exactly a bad thing because this shows sorrow is shortlived as well as happiness. so even if we cant be happy, we dont stay sad for very long. ive been wondering about it since the day ive received dionne's message, or rather a few more days before that.
well, i havent gotten an answer, but at least i feel ready to turn seventeen.

i have a bunch of people telling me i look forward too much. and a bunch of people telling me that i look back too much. they are both right, because. i never ever look at the present. explains.

ive decided to think about my art concept in just awhile.

there are so many people out there in need of comforting, and out of so many, there are so many that i really care about. but im not doing anything, and it makes me feel like shit.
my heart is closed for now, its really not listening, it really doesnt want to listen.

i hate myself for this.
very much.

Hello World

2008-11-04T04:18:00.001-08:00

I havent been blogging much lately, but life's awesome.
and Avenue Q is also very awesome, it has set me thinking for a day already.
which, is very good. im pleased.

hummingbirds fly into my room sometimes, i wonder if they were lost.
i havent drawn or painted in my sketchbook for milleniums. and it probably hates me.

OP's a few days away, really cant wait for it to be over. then i can play and jump around the house and be extremely incessantly happy for all you care. holidays are awesome, and christmas is coming :D

i had a kiwi just now it tasted rotten and now my tummy's burning. like ive drank a glass of wine at a go. and ive an eye infection in an eye, so im wearing geeky glasses around now, and will be tomorrow.

im currently extremely broke now, and i dont think i can get much allowance anymore since the holidays are here. but very good, im successfully selling my headphones to lp tomorrow, which is very good, cause with a little, or actually, alot more, i can get the one of my DREAMS.
that's very good, im pleased.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i hope you're well, goodbye :D

Big Brown Book Of Happiness.

2008-10-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

im tired but i cant exactly sleep.
ive spent a little longer than usual with my diary, and rolling around the bed with my damp hair.
i wudnt mind it if i was less tired and i can stay up all night without feeling so uncomfortable and grumpy.

today was a whirl of fun and excitement, which im completely unprepared for when i left the house in the afternoon.
when i close my eyes i can still hear the sound of the billard balls, and i dont know why, i hear Jo's laughter.
i still see alot of dancing lights, and no, i really cant sleep.

the 'halloween' sleepover is tomorrow, and i might just not survive if i dont get any sleep soon.
and my mom doesnt even know im sleeping over :/
she'll be mortified, considering piano the next morning.

saturday plans have been changed to my house instead of yinxue's so i guess i have a new mission to clean up my room.
not like a mind, cause it will give me motivation to get it done faster.
and i can show them the carcass of hercules, which i have not cleared yet.

ive completed a list of things i have to get at artfriend.
very awesome.

Playground Habits

2008-10-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

If the weather is cold enough i would grab my jacket and take a walk to the park.
someone with a harmonica would be nice.
it would be nicer if i could play the harmonica.

i wonder what do people think of most of the time.
strange thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, sex thoughts.
i dont know.

ive concluded i dont really think. i just pretend to think.
if ive thought as much as claimed i wudnt be so immature.

there are horde of ants crawling around my desk, and the beetle has been bothering me since last night. i sometimes like to look at their little tiny bodies move, and at times when i hold them down with the tip of my pen, i watch them struggle and try to break free.
seriously, what makes them want to live?

will i cry and beg for mercy if someone was to point a shotgun at me.
yea, maybe.

my room's a refuge to these tiny creatures. is the world outside such a cruel place.
but im not any nicer, i will kill them all, do they even bother?

im painting again, im seeing if it helps to make me forget.
people are being nice to me, i dont deserve it. this haunts me.

i hate the sight of my table, and the thought of myself.
its getting strange, but im not getting sad.
shopping tomorrow, sleepover on friday, wii @ yinxue's on saturday, concert and the birthday boy on sunday. are those all going to help?

yesterday i had a weird dream, about the skies turning a beautiful surreal green, trees growing out of the cement ground. stout, strong trees. climbable, reliable trees.
and there was noone. if i was there in person, im probably alone.
but no, i cant be wearing that. and those feet, arent my feet.
those arms, you should have seen those arms.

Monster Buster Club

2008-10-29T02:39:00.000-07:00

today i decided to have a life instead of over self indulgence of sims2
there was Pizza Hut, Build-A-Bear and costume shopping with Sya, Drew, and Sian.

shopping with boys is different because they make quick decisions and usually wait for you to make up your mind instead of the other way round.

i have one day more to think, to make or to buy
what should i be for halloween?

i should be myself because i am scary?
how lame is that.

Teletubies On Tv

2008-10-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

ive been feeling grumpy and looking frumpy lately.
not exactly tired though ive been using it as an excuse to sleep alot, and sitting busloops without noticing.

i&r is an extremely boring ordeal which i have to survive till 8am in the morning tomorrow.
and after a few hours it will officially mark the end of school. which i will, of course be very glad.

but now im staring at the screen being upset.
and ive resorted to naming the ants crawling around on my desk.

hi, you are andy. *squash*
hi, you are amy. *squash*
hello, amelia *squash*

my mom popped her head into my room and thought i was crazy
walked off, and in again after a while asking,
'i thought they were your friends?'

i didnt answer her, i laughed and plopped myself onto my bed, and thought about school.
why is life so strange lately, ive been feeling a mixture of emotions ive never really felt before. emptiness? loneliness? i dont know.
all i feel like is watching transformers, and movie after movie, till i forget all about my slow, mundane life.

if my life was made into a movie i think i must actually pay people to watch it.

all the short fleeting glances, disapproving remarks, and short lived happiness.
people who worked too hard, people who dont work at all, people who work and pretend not to, and people who dont work but pretend to.

all my life i have never exactly tried too hard to be nice, to be loved, or to be perfect. not that i minded being unliked, or alone.
and now i wonder if that will bring me anywhere, and whether that choice is right.

im not confused about my actions, im confused about my feelings.
this world, is a strange, strange place.

people go in and out of my life, yours im not that sure.
but i know i go in and out of people lives too,
im never too constant.

18 Year Olds.

2008-10-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

hahahaha.
i watched HSM3 today.
with a bunch of strange kids that scream when zac efron was on screen.

usual things, nice songs, cute dances, better than 2 worse than 1.
gabriella (not vanessa) still makes me get goosebumps and squirm uncomfortably in my seat when she shares the screen with troy (not zac)

watch it only if ure bored and rich, but still watch it anw.

bleh, OP tomorrow.
no fun.

Tiny As It Seems

2008-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

my family came home late last night, and they are still cozying in their beds at this time of the day.

my room has developed into some sort of mess, the unwashed coffee mugs, wires tangled into one another, papers strewned all over the place, clothes from the last weekends,
but im not bothered enough to put them away.

i realise i do most of the things i do at home pretty much alone.
not that i minded, but it makes me wonder what they think about that.

im capable of making mistakes, but I have feelings too
but they are not romantic, not romantic at all.

people rarely love you enough to write you songs, or do something a little out of the world just to make you feel special. but they love you enough to let you mess up their minds and their lives, and they never blame you for it.

im afraid, or rather, very afraid,
that you would stop loving me when i stop loving myself.

happiness has been fleeting in and out of my life lately.
my quest is still failing.
and soon, i'll be seventeen.

[24 Oct 2008|08.44pm]

2008-10-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's quarter to nine here,
it feels like the rain is going to come.
your shirt will soon be damp, and your shoes squishy while i lie in bed.

I have nothing much to do right now, other than think of what exactly, could have represented you, or us.

I wanted to show you all the things I've made and seen, places I've been and felt all these while you were gone
But I cant seem to capture them, and even if i did,
they seeped away through time before I could present it before your eyes.

are you tired? why are they so cruel.
nowadays life is just a mess, i sound incoherent most of the time.
I keep flaking out on people, I'm here one day and gone the next.
I am making too many empty promises, stirring too much trouble, and hurting too many people I should not have.

there are messages unreplied, phonecalls unreturned, things undone.
the phone vibrates on and on, and when im gone for five, i come back to see four.
four missed calls, four messages. but no. i dont want them, i want you.

I'm still thinking of everyone but I just want to be left alone.
Just having another minute of peace will be nice.

Earphones.

2008-10-22T02:52:00.000-07:00

who is interested in getting headppphhhooonnneees :D

im selling, im selling, im sellliing, buy from meee cause

1) im awesome, im nice, and hence my headphones are too
2) im selling it cheaper
3) it isnt very old, i swear! it has NO sign of wear and tear. :)
4) U CAN HAVE FREE ONE YEAR WARANTEE, which i havent touched at all :D

tell me in anyway possible if u want it.
and daniel, dont nag.

doyoumissmetoo.livejournal.com

2008-10-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

Charlie’s living just down the road from a slaughter house, and normally this big grey building and the people that walk past it are just as grey – oppressed as the building itself. But then a pig breaks loose, and for ten minutes or so the street is in uproar, people are laughing, running and chasing. This little pink pig – for ten minutes or so – has actually made people smile, people stopped being grey. They must have been at least three other colours. And then of course, the pig was caught and taken back to the slaughter house, to be, well, slaughtered. And he said that he realised in that moment that there’s something so powerful, beautiful in the things that are both funny and sad.

even the toughest tough can have a little bit of tenderness.
lesson learnt voiced.

Possibilities In Charge

2008-10-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

It's funny that when you are learning about a person, you tend to learn things about yourself too, even if at times you forget who you are and it can be hard remembering.

i officially did dumb things in school which i regretted.
but at least there are people called friends to stand by.

I miss reading, I haven't read in forever.
I miss knowing the fact that everyone is actually quite the same, just different permuatations and combinations of little traits that makes us, us.
i miss feeling like someone else, i hate being alone.

helplessness is a natural feeling.
but at times it get so bad, it eats into your soul, like when your house is on fire, and you cant get the water.

you have to go outside.

Hello Pensive

2008-10-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

i like it during times like this
because my lips turn red, and my cheeks flush pink.

and i think its pretty.

i have a few new photos of the city lights.
and of the rain, of my shoes wet half soaked in puddles.
and im very glad.

parents always know when u have a hard day at school.
its pretty amazing.

Hair Shaped like a Bubble

2008-10-18T00:50:00.000-07:00

i seriously need to come up with a 'holiday' plan
to prevent myself from delaying things and playing too much of sims2.

my weekends are getting longer while our weekends are becoming shorter and shorter.
sucks shit.

CYM

2008-10-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

nobody understands me the way you do, do you know that?
maybe you did, not anymore. but now i'll tell you once again.
but its such a pity that u weave in and out of my life, its never constant.

changes like the wind. people doubt us. who cares.
i spoke to you in my dream last night, cant remember what.
it reminded me that you need to know. but you dont read this.
i dont care, the others who know you and me, should know.

at least i can remember all the long chats i have with you, when i went home with you.
projects, cip, choir, classstuff, prom.
you marked the start of my cedar life, and was there with me, in the band room after prom, till the end.

i was stupid in the past, maybe even now, but more in the past.
you were the one who slapped me in the face, not literally, but somehow wake me up when im sinking too deep. and also the one who held my hands when im in need of comfort, with ur words that always seem to make so much damn sense.

you once hugged me and cried, as if im going to die the next day.
you said im your best friend, that im different, and u dont want to lose me.
but all i thought was that you're over-dramatising things,
i never thought of it in a way that you loved me till that extend, i didnt treasure it enough.

you didnt care when i was crazy about the wrong things, loving the wrong people, and not listening to you.
you still speak to me, to my heart, and you're always there for me.
you always say i am pretty, till now, i believe no one else but you.

although choir memories are horrid to me, you held my hand during auditions when my voice was shaking, in lower sec, when i was vulnerable, unaccomplished, afraid.
you were there to hug me when i failed the first, and there to do the same when i passed the first.

when we're a little older, we walked our different paths, i changed, drifted, forgot.
we dont talk much anymore, but you still smiled at me when i needed it, you told me not to worry. you gave me faith to conquer the world.
you didnt like my company, i didnt like yours.
but behind the distant glances, everything was the same wasnt it?

you watched me grow, and accepted me before and after.
you didnt care who i am, but you cared for who i will become.
you dont rush me to grow up, though it irritates the hell out of you.

the letters from you filled up more than a box in my drawer, sad ones, happy ones, some that are filled with words of wisdom from ur loveguru brains, and others that completely dont make sense but make me laugh till my tummy hurts. no, nobody else laughs at it, inside jokes, all of them.
folded in your signature style, my name written imperfectly with your hot pink marker. princess, ew. what princess? only you would call me that.
why do i miss you so damn much?

are you the only friend that had seen me cry for a real, proper reason?
but im sure you're the person who's holding the record for my longest phonecall.

it doesnt matter that we are made different. and made for different things.
you are so far the only person in my life that is able to put everything else behind you, and really, really listen to what i have to say.
and you're the first person in my life, that is able to feel genuinely happy for any of my little successes. all seen on that smile on your face. so honest.

you knock on my door even when you think that i wudnt answer it.
you came to me, even when you know i wont make you happy.
is that love?

1-45

2008-10-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

the dumb WR took up half the stack of fresh clean papers i have left.
which is neither a good thing or a bad thing, cause it proves that our WR is actually, erm. quite thick. haha, to me that is. content wise, i dont think so.

blah, WR is a life drainer and i am 12387432781 times relieved it is gone more than after my promos.

i wonder if they remembered that we promised to pull through together.
the day we met with such enthusiasm, promise, vigour, drama.
we were the envy of the rest, weren't we? we had sunshine, we had dynamism, we have connection. but, what happened?
you, and you, and you. you have problems. we all do, don't we?
we are suppose to turn to each other for help, be one other's pillar of strength. we crashed one another's instead. what happened?

group work is to teach us to persevere. press on together. not to give up.
speaking of giving up, what happened?

Stay Well, Study Hard

2008-10-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

i think the songs Syahidah's sending me seem to suit my mood more than any other frikking song in my itunes.

want to die,
im suffering from weird moods today.

like, i was laughing when i got back my U math paper.
AND I FRIKKING HI-5 ANDREW. i bet he was the one who influenced me not to be upset. and i got strangely excited/elated/relieved/comforted and all kinds of feelings when syahidah got back her paper cause she like, frikking passed WELL
what the HECK is WRONG with me. i was like squealing and hugging her and bouncing on the floor all at the same time, which is probably unsightly to all the people around me. but bleh, dont care!

and i felt a strange sense of connection to my father's old, aging rusty stapler when i was using it to staple the WR. because it reminds me of how i slammed it against the wall because the staples refuse to budge inside, like say, about 9 or 10 years ago? when i was trying to staple my math paper, 9 or 10 years ago.
SEE HOW LONG THAT FREAKISH SUBJECT HAUNTED ME

i was horrid and violent since young, i'll admit it before u try to conclude anything in ur nasty brain.

OH I TELL U PEACHES AND THE KNOWLEDGE OF SEX FRIKKING SAVE MY LIFE FOR LITERATURE. Miss Kwok The Great is always right, sex in literature is NEVER wrong.
here is the tribute i owe you man. GO PEACHES!

im actually secretly disappointed with my art results.
BUT, its not a secret anymore. its an opened fact that im disappointed with my art results. haha.

AIYAH WADEVER LA, I PROMOTE CAN ALREADY
see you next year ah, see you! *shakes hand*

Quality time

2008-10-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

Today will be me, a bag of marks&spenser chips, and the beloved written report :D

i love my new pokemon notebooks. it makes me so excited to make notes!
there is mathematics lecture tomorrow. boo.

Then Change Something

2008-10-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

who was the person who reprimanded me when i told her that i am lucky but not happy.
who was it, who was it, i forgot.
if you want to, reprimand me again, i need it.

i am sitting in the middle of the room, trying to write the final little details in my diary with the only annoying inconsistent light from the computer.

30 nov to 7 dec. 14 nov, to forever later.
i stare at the empty little boxes, what are the holidays for?
sit, stare, walk around the house, sit, stare.

and it was when my computer abruptly stood by, that tempted me to blog instead.

god, and my sister is muttering in her sleep.
the night is so, damn peaceful. it should never move on. never.
at least not till im ready.

there's school tomorrow.

the phone just vibrated.
and im reminded that my birthday is coming in almost a month.
oh we always look forward dont we, big deal.

im seventeen soon, but not any older, not any wiser.
i think im still very much the same, as i was a few years ago.
still as naive, still as rash. still as fickle-minded,
constantly wanting changes. i never know what i want.

i will give you a dollar for a good answer for a reason why tomorrow will be better.