janice used to tell me that.
that time when she had a dog, she wouldnt care whether people love her or not.
cos she know she got her dog, and her dog loves her to peanuts. she doesnt care whether people are happy to see her, or her existence makes a difference.
she knows her dog, NEEDS her, LOVES her, and will ALWAYS be happy to see her.

even when she's ugly, score the worse grades, did the most indespicable thing, or did the worst mistake ever.

okay, how i wish i got a bundle of fur myself. i seriously wish i can not care. stop trying to please everyone and be who i am. its so tirrrrrrring. especially when you try to please, and the adverse happens.

i went to TP today, and it was bustling with PEOPLE. omg. i HATED it. i wanted to faint looking at everyone pushing past me, as i stood there stoning like a bullfrog. but yea, i was trying to be a good daughter, to go shopping with my mom. at baleno, then bossini, then hangten, then back to baleno once again.

the salesman is hollering,
the kids or screaming and running,
the man are smoking outside with an impatient snarl on their faces,
the aunties are busy picking out clothes, cheaper the better. they dont see you as an existing human, and just push past you, and give you annoyed looks like you standing there and blocking their way would cause them to lose out another cheap piece of clothing to another auntie.

i was annoyed, but i kept smiling. i kept picking out clothes for my mom to try, even when the smoke and the smell of sweat makes me want to faint.
i usually can stand noise, but today i felt like screaming out loud and making everyone shut up, for my sake. but i didnt, i wanted my mom to be happy.

and she was. she bought loads of clothing for herself.
but i know, its not because of me. big deal.

i feel like a failure as a daughter.
when i try to be nice, they call me act cute, or give me funny looks like i want them to spend 100 bucks on something i have my eye on.

when im being normal, they point out my mistakes, compare me to my brother. i never hear them praise me. but i dont need them to praise me, i just need them to stop bringing me down. that will be enough.

yea see, when im normal. im fucking annoying, hence they hate me.
so i need to at least be nice, or at least, nicer than usual. so they can STAND me.
it feels like my existence tortures them.

i dont think i dislike them. i just want them to understand me just a little more.

every evening around 730, look into the sky. you realise that a colour that you usually would not pay attention to can be so beautiful in the sky. trust me, just try. i was staring at the sky today, for so long, and so taken in by its beauty. i think stars shine best in a blue sky, not a black one.
haha! well that was pretty anti-climax. but honestly, i dont want to end my post with a sad note.